Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity
The past couple of days have been very...hot, to put it mildly. I've been sitting at home dressed in an old raggedy kanga and a white tank top that has strategic stains representing every meal I've ever cooked in it, and wondering to myself: why? Why were we chosen to live on the surface of the sun while others can enjoy all of the season in all of their glory without ever feeling like their face is melting off just because they exerted themselves by reaching over to get a cold glass of water? Were humans really made to withstand this amount of heat? Why haven't I already gotten rid of this disgusting shirt?
The other question burning on my brain is, when will there be a solution to our global warming situation. Because as far as I can tell it has escalated from global warming to global burning. I may or make not be making much sense here because it's still really hot and I honestly don't know how anyone can be productive when one's brain is literally poaching.
No wonder we have such lousy drivers and inferior quality - everything. When you can't think straight because either you're seeing mirages, you've lost most of your brain cells due to extreme temperatures, or all of your body fluid evaporated in the last hour, it's difficult to do things right. I believe I have unwittingly given all the stupid people in this country - the majority of the population - a way of excusing their ridiculous decisions and embarrassing behavior - the heat.
- Lawyer: Your Honor, my client is not guilty by reason of insanity due to prolonged exposure to extremely elevated temperatures.
I want to add a disclaimer here. If I do something bizarro and you're wondering, "How could she?", well, I'm not really myself these days. I'm a shell of the person I normally am and I blame it all on the fact that I cannot concentrate, or see straight, as sweat pours down my brow and into my eyes. I am not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.
I feel a bit envious of all of you sitting in your claustrophobic cubicles, breathing in the cold stale recycled air of hundreds of other employees some of whom are carriers for a number of unique diseases. Not so much because of the diseases, but because of the uber cold temperatures you get to work in. I've walked into some offices, under the pretense of having business there just to be able to get out of the heat for a bit, and have actually seen people wearing sweaters. In the middle of summer. How cool is that?
If I could wish anything for 2009 at this point it would be for moderation in all things, including but not limited to the heat. I'm melting, I'm melting!