Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Know When to Hold'em, Know When to Fold'em
One of my sisters is currently going through a painful breakup. Although she believes it was the correct thing to do, it still hurts. You see, although I believe that for the most part her relationship was not a healthy one, I also believe that she was very happy for a time. The relationship took a turn for the worse at one point and it just went downhill from there. No one put an end to it until it got out of hand and people got hurt.
This got me thinking about the relationships my sisters have. Bear with me here and see what you think:
How do you know when it's time to call it quits? We don't want to give up on it too soon, but it is equally as important to know when it's time to walk away. The idea is, if it becomes toxic, one sided, or wrong in any way, that that is when the relationship must be re-evaluated and a mature decision must be made. What happens if this does not happen is that the people involved end up screaming at each other for whatever is bothering them at the moment and calling it quits in a way that leaves a very bad taste in your mouth.
Breakups, no matter what the apparent reason, are indicative of a much greater problem and unresolved issue. Learning to love someone regardless of their faults is one thing, but making yourself miserable in order to stay with a person who is not right for you is another thing altogether. You may think it's love, but to love another person properly you must learn to love yourself properly. And staying with a person who humiliates, degrades and purposely hurts you is not love, it's Stockholm Syndrome, and the sooner that is understood the better for everyone involved.
This does not mean that the relationship was always bad. My sister had a lot of fun with her man for a good amount of time. They would go to the beach and do all sorts of cool things together and you could tell it was a blast for both of them. The issue came when the honeymoon for one of them was over and outside contaminants came into play and destroyed what was otherwise a perfectly pleasant union.
In her case, although the breakup is more painful than maybe it should be, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that it was good for a time, it was beautiful, it was fun and it was a blast. Now it's over. 'Ce la vie. We move on, we find another love, or fling, or whatever it is that you want, until it is time to make a permanent commitment to the right person. There is no shame in walking away. In fact, I quite admire people who know what they want and will stand up for that even if they know that in doing so they will cause significant pain to themselves and even perhaps to the person they think (or know) they love.
We cannot throw the baby out with the bathwater, as is the common practice when breaking up. This is the ultimate in immaturity and only makes it easier for the other person to get over you. At this junction her ex is acting in textbook fashion of how not to handle things. He's acting like a ridiculous male chauvinist pig, totally unreasonable, immature and infantile. While my sister can sit around and cry and lick her wounds at his most recent demented phone call or message - if she wants to - if I were her I would thank my lucky stars that I got out of it when I could and dodged that 6ft bullet.
I don't think it would be right of me to say that he represents the whole male species, but it has been my experience that men take it the worst and make real fool of themselves acting like ignorant beasts or stupid babies and overall make total asses of themselves. I say this not because I want to poo-poo los machos, but so that my sisters can understand that when they call in the middle of the night to scream obscenities, it's okay to hang up.
I'll leave you with a piece of country music wisdom by Kenny Rogers:
You gotta know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em
Know when to walk away, know when to run
You never count your money when you're sitting at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.