UCI – A Cautionary Tale

The other night I went to the movies with Fukui-san, not the nice movie theatre, we went to the crap one in UCI because we had business there earlier. The movie was great, the outing was wonderful, and we had a blast. This is the same movie (Quantum of Solace) we were supposed to watch with our Judas Brutus “friends” before they ditched us. I know you’re probably thinking that that’s impossible, who would do that to you considering all your public threats to blacklist people right and left. Well, apparently they didn’t get the memo. As it turns out, the universe took care of things for us and they were late for their showing and ended up sitting 3 ft away from the big screen where you have a clear view to nose hairs and cavities. Yes, you don’t mess with me and get away with it. If I don’t get you, the universe will. Our showing on the other hand was wonderful. We had perfect seats and were surrounded by couples and mature adults as opposed to a bunch of screaming and popcorn throwing teenagers.

That’s really not my story, though. Before the movie started I went to the bathroom and lo and behold, there was no TP – true story. This is a cautionary tale and incidentally a Power and Protection story. You would think that since you’re paying a king’s ransom to watch a movie on a week night that they would make sure the bathrooms are always stocked and clean. How hard is it to do that? Am I asking for too much? Am I reaching for the stars? All I want is a urine-free floor and some TP. There is something very ridiculous about a company that cannot guarantee TP in their bathrooms. In my opinion they should either provide us with the minimum required for comfort or admit defeat and cease to exist. The popular quote “É por isso que o Brasil não vai pra frente” springs to mind and I can’t help but see how it’s the little things that make or break a society. Something like this would never happen in the US with their infinite supplies of Charmin and automatically flushing toilets, (I can only imagine what public bathrooms must be like in Japan). As Oscar Wilde once said, “One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be”. So I think what I’m trying to say is, that at this point in time our country may not ready to take on the responsibility of stocking up on some extravagant luxuries like TP, soap, and paper towels.

Back to my story: I had an initial moment of panic where I was dreading having to do the squat samba when I remembered that when I was putting on my makeup earlier I took the TP I had in my hand (for any lipstick corrections) and put it in my makeup bag. I was touched by an angel, safe and sound. That’s why it’s important to follow your instincts, you never know when the most seemingly unimportant thing could save your life, or as in my case, a movie. I dream of a day when we too will have automatically flushing toilets, seat protectors and soap. But in the meantime I’ll be sure to always keep some tissue nearby so I don’t have to rely on divine intervention to save me.

Picnic in the Park

Sunday was such fun! Las Chicas (Sabrina, Tati, Cecilia, Meury) and I had a wonderful picnic, and this time I remembered the hats! The weather was sunny at times and cloudy at others. There was a constant peaceful breeze that made it very pleasant. We had crudités, dip, bread sticks, cucumber sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, and mini brioche sandwiches. We had fresh green sweet seedless grapes, chardonnay (2 kinds), and 2 kinds of teas (winter tea mix and white tea).

We laughed so, so much. You have no idea. We read…poetry…yeah, that’s what we read. I’ll tell you right now what we didn’t read – we didn’t read any of that romantic drivel that’s so popular these days. That stuff is poison! It’s turning women’s minds into mush. No siree, we did not read any of that! No, we did not.

Weekend Update

Mariska Hargitay, everyone!

This weekend we did quite a lot, now that I think about it. We’ll start with Friday evening. I made Pao de Queijo using a new recipe and it came out sooo good! Beautiful golden white orbs baked to perfection. The Pao de Queijo was not supposed to be the main even, however, as we had rented “The Love Guru”. I had heard so many bad reviews on the movie that I was honestly not expecting much at all. I think this is the reason why I liked it as much as I did. I was prepared for something so mediocre that I was pleasantly surprised that I was laughing the whole movie long. I’m still a little surprised that Sir Ben Kinsley was in the movie at all, and that on top of that he played such a silly character.

Saturday Thing 2 and I made Oatmeal Raisin Cookies and they came out scrumptulescent. There really is nothing so comforting as a glass of milk and an oatmeal cookie. Does it take you back? Ponder this: you’re a little kid, you step out of the shower and your mama puts some Johnson’s powder all over you. You sit down for a snack of oatmeal cookies, a glass of cold milk and a story. Good times! That’s a nice happy place for any of you who don’t have one yet. You’re welcome.

Later in the evening Fukui-san and I went to a play. Pedro Sol is in a play called 7 – O Musical, the only thing is that it’s in the center of town. I think you can imagine just how thrilled I was to go all the way down to the center on a Saturday evening with a driver who, while he is very careful and very safe, does not use the force to guide him so we usually end up lost in a really basic and well known part of town. I’ve got some of the force on my side so I try to make suggestions. But there are times that you think a comment or suggestion is so obvious that the other person is going to think you’re being condescending. Let this be a lesson to all of you, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you think that it’s obvious that a certain street leads to the beach (especially when you can see the waves crashing), or that the street you’re on is the main street since it has like 5 lanes and there’s a huge sign right above your head with an arrow pointing to where you’re going (follow the yellow brick road). Make sure that no matter how silly or obvious it sounds, you point it out and you make yourself heard. As you can probably tell, I made the mistake of assuming an enormous green sign that was completely lit up was enough as far as directions go, but now, it wasn’t. We were touched by an angel, though and arrived at the theatre 3 minutes after the play was supposed to start. It was 10 minutes late which gave us enough time to find our seats.

The play was yet another thing that caught me by surprise. I was predisposed to hate it because I normally hate plays. I hate that that actors are so over the top dramatic and it seems ridiculous to me. I’m embarrassed for the actors most of the time, which makes me uncomfortable and therefore makes the whole experience less than a joy. In general I don’t get the humor in plays in Portuguese and I fall into that strange place where everyone is laughing and I’m not, then everyone’s silent and I can’t stop cracking up. I’ll tell you what, I’ve had some bizarre theatre experiences but nothing beats having to talk to the actor after the play. That awkward congratulation that’s thick with false praise and flattery. That mandatory exclamation of enthusiasm and surprise at how great it was and so unexpectedly so, always makes my stomach quiver. I’m not good at lying when I don’t think it’s in the best interest of all involved. I have some basic rules for my life and one of them is: whenever you can help someone by telling them the truth, do. I don’t often offer my truths (that’s not really true, is it?), but when asked, I’ll tell it all, regardless of the consequences, which in my experience has been generally positive.

Anynonsense, getting back to my story, Pedro’s play was excellent. Yes, I said it, you heard me – excellent. I don’t use that word lightly (especially when referring to a play), but in this case I believe it was merited. The whole story and backdrops, music and overall look and feel are very sinister and dark, which is really cool, actually. The costumes were really well made and beautiful. The production was spectacular and Pedro has a beautiful singing voice. The play is like an evil fairy tale, and you really do feel the “magic”, so to speak. It’s all set in a kind of fantastic place and time, and everything in the play lends itself to helping you feel like you’ve been transported there with them. It’s a mix of a number of fairy tales (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty) with some other fluff sprinkled in. The story was quite clever, I thought. Pedro plays the young innocent virgin (quite a stretch). He did well in the role of the innocent virgin and in all he represented, which is the highest possible praise I can give seeing as this is his first theatre performance (that I’m aware of).

If you happen to be in Rio and you happen to be free on the weekend, I recommend taking a trip to the center and checking it out. It begins at 8pm and ends at about 10:30pm, so you’ll still have time to do whatever you had originally planned to do for the evening. Even though it’s long, it doesn’t fee like it.

Later on in the evening we were mercilessly stabbed in the back by our “friends” and were left out to dry while they all went and saw the new 007. Fear not, dear readers, I will have my revenge. I’m conjuring up something even now for those Judas Brutus fools who will be lucky if I ever refer to them by the real names again (you know who you are). Sleep with one eye open.

Weekend Update

Friday – Today was the day of the kids Festa das Artes at school. All the classes got together a performance to illustrate one of the goals of 2008. They all had very creative costumes, music and special effects. It reminded me a lot of the olden days, you know, the days of yore, when we had to dress up in shiny unflattering outfits and perform for the masses. A tradition that has been around since the beginning of time or at least since young Methuselah put on a show with his friends in Enoch. But that was yore, and today we were there to see the babies do their thing and pay homage to the God of Humility (King Kong), the way we did, by paying the ultimate price, our pride – all of it, like an enormous shiny banana of humiliation being handed over to the Monkey King, and we were there to witness it. We all have to do it at some point. We all pay our dues and we all pay the Mico Monkey and it has to start somewhere. We had spared our little ones from this rite of passage for long enough, and it was high time for them to pay the piper. So, without further ado, here’s how it went down:

Thing 1 did very well, actually. His class put on a serious show. He knew all the motions and was about as enthusiastic as you could expect from a 14yr old who is forced to perform in front of the whole school wearing naught but pajamas. When I say pajamas, I mean those outfits the pagodeiros wear - baggy white pants and button down shirt, only theirs were shiny, like the fabric we were always clad in at Christmas. That nice, warm, quality fabric you get at the Chinese shopping district of the city. The pants were white and the shirts different solid colors, (they weren’t flowered and for that we have to thank God for small mercies). Since everyone in the class was wearing the same thing, the humiliation quotient was greatly reduced, proving that there is strength in numbers. They won 3^rd place, which I think is great, especially considering there were so many classes and presentations.

Thing 2's class won the competition and it was very well deserved. Their theme was Equal Opportunity and their main song was “Can't Take My Eyes Off of You”, which is always a crowd pleaser. You could tell they worked really hard on their choreography and all their steps were really well rehearsed. There was smoke, confetti, helium balloons, and in general a real show. Everyone was on their feet clapping and singing along with them. It was awesome! All the boys were dressed in suits and sequined ties (one banana each, please), and the girls were dressed in glamazon style powerful women outfits representing different professions. Their prize is that they get 2 extra points for each subject, meaning that they will all pass on to the next grade without having to take the end of the year tests.

Saturday - Today I had a makeup job to do on the other side of town. I had quite an experience and a terrific adventure starting with my ride from hell on the Windy Road of Death, near Skull Mountain, which boarders Trauma Hill whose patron saint is Our Lady of Perpetual Fright. Yep, I went over the Alto in a car full of strangers whose driver was on a mission impossible to make it to our destination in half the reasonable time estimated to safely get there. He drove like a demon all the way and arrived abruptly before you could say Hospital Lorenço Jorge.

Once I arrived there I had to make up 4 different people. Here are the cast of characters: the grandmother who was part of the original cast of Methuselah and Friends, the Aunt who looks almost as old as the grandmother even though she’s technically younger, the stepmother who wanted fake eyelashes and the works (a breath of fresh air), and last but not least, the bridesmaid who was trying to organize everything and get ready at the same time.

I won’t give you a run down on everyone and how it went, suffice it to say that I had to put makeup on a centenarian grandmother who’s already heavily knocking on Heaven’s door and has see-through lizard skin – so creepy. (Note to self: If you’re still around after 70yrs, start sky-diving and paragliding, and doing a bunch of extreme sports with the hopes of making it into the ever after sooner rather than later.) Right before I was going to work on the bridesmaid she had an allergic reaction to something and her face swelled up like Shrek, only bright red. Thankfully, the antihistamine did its thing and I (the fairy Godmother), was able to make her into a beautiful Cinderella right in the knick of time.

Sunday – Dear Diary, today we took a family portrait. The kids were perfectly well behaved, my hair and make-up were fabulous, the lighting was ideal and the background was superb.

I would like to tell you that that’s how it went...but I can’t, because it didn't.

This is more or less what it was like: “Samurai Jack, open your eyes! Miojoboy, quit making that stupid face! It’s not funny! Who farted?! That’s it! I can’t take it. Open a window and let’s get this picture taken. Smile! Not that big. Take that pencil out of your nose!” Ever wonder what Purgatory’s like? I’ll tell you right now, it’s a photo shoot with your kids. That’s what it’s like, and it goes on forever, and ever, and ever. The only difference is that Purgatory is temporary punishment, so given the choice, choose wisely.

BTW, the guy I was supporting for the Mayoral elections, the lesser of two evils, didn't win. Instead, we will now have as mayor of our beautiful city Satan's emissary himself. As it turns out he won by a mere 55,000, for which I blame the fools who for the most part were home nursing their hangovers, and the rest of whom were at the beach worshiping Apollo (or more precisely, roasting like pigs on a spit), and therefore couldn't find their way to the voting booth. Let's see what the forces of evil will do to our fair town now. There's already an ominous shadow cast on us by the mammoth monument to corruption that's nearing completion in Barra, which was the work of the last fiend who ran our city. We can only hold our breath as they decide what else to throw our way that we don't need and don't want.

Children's Day

Somehow, not only for Christmas,
But all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others
Is the joy that comes back to you;
And the more you spend in blessing
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart's possessing
Returns to make you glad.

John Greenleaf Whittier

Yesterday was Children’s Day here and we spent most of it at a party for needy children from a nearby community. Fukui-san made balloon animals with the kids and I face painted. We also helped distribute hot dogs, drinks, and cake with ice-cream. After the party there were tons of toys to give out which many individuals and some companies had donated. The children were overjoyed, Thing 1 and Thing 2 had a blast helping out and I’m really happy we went.

After that we came home and had a special Children’s Day dinner of our own. We had: massive Cholula burgers (Cholula is a spice mix that a little tiny bit picante and very delish), smiley fries and ice-cream sodas. I think you can guess on your own who made the menu. I just follow orders, people. An hour or so after dinner we had dessert. You guessed it, we doubled up on dessert (remember the ice-cream sodas?), because it’s what the babies wanted on their special day and we were forced to make the sacrifice - for them, naturally. We had white chocolate mousse and strawberry parfaits – yum! All in all I believe the day was a success and everyone was very happy.

Spring Picnic

Today we went on a blissful spring picnic. What wonderful fun! There’s an old time charm to them. We had sandwiches, chips, brownies, grapes and mate. Good times! We all brought books and spent some time reading afterwards. I’m reading book 2 of the Outlander series, Dragonfly in Amber. It’s getting really good, but there are some bad things afoot, so I’m a bit concerned.

During our picnic we had an unexpected visitor, a Capivara. It’s an animal that is native to these parts and is protected by IBAMA and lives in the park we picnic in. There are also micos (small monkeys) and another creature that we have yet to identify.

We had some spirited and enlightened conversations where we came to the unanimous conclusion that Walt Disney should have been awarded a Nobel Prize for bringing so much joy to the world. We also concluded that bird watching is a bore. It’s like going on a stakeout without the promise of action or snacks.

The only thing I regret is not having brought my hats. I have all these beautiful picnic hats and when the time came for them to fulfill their purpose, I forgot to bring them. Damn, I guess we’ll just have to go again.