Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Asinine Storylines

You know what movies I really, truly hate? The ones where the entire story hangs on the fact that one stupid idiot did something stupidly idiotic. Let me explain. You know the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" with Orlando Bloom and Eva Green. Well, in the movie the entire war would have been averted if Orlando had married the princess. Here's where the stupidity actually kicks in. She was promised to be married to a demon man who was going to tear apart the kingdom, but she was in love with Orlando, and he with her. So the king (the only really cool guy in the movie who is dying of leprosy, I think, so he wears a nifty iron mask) asks Orlando to marry the beautiful princess and save her from a horrid marriage and as an added bonus, save the entire kingdom as well.

He says no. He not only says no, he throws a fit for some weird reason and gets all rebellious and refuses - REFUSES - to marry her. Because of his doody-head actions, the kingdom ends up in war, and everything goes up in flames, it's basically Armageddon come early and the lovely Ava Green is forced to shave her head.

There's another movie that comes to mind when thinking of situations born about by brain vomit and that is "Jurassic Park III". Julianne Moore and her ridiculous whiny-mouth decide to go traipsing off into the dinosaur and danger filled jungles - ON HER OWN - forcing the sarcastic, witty and totally cowardly Jeff Goldblum to chase after her. This puts his life in danger, not to mention the unfortunate souls who join him on his fated quest. I almost forgot a sweet little nugget, his ridiculous daughter stows away on his plane and almost gets herself and everyone else killed as well. If that weren't enough, Julianne's actions, ridiculous as they are, were not able put a damper on Jeff's affections and they together again in the end. Can somebody explain how stupidty in any form is attactive?

There's no way to enjoy a major or minor motion picture when you can't get past the lack of intelligence and good sense on the part of the main characters (or ones who effect the main character's actions and decisions). It boils down to weakness and feeble-mindedness and is hardly the starting point for diversion. If the movies in question were comedies, one could almost understand the idea behind the laps of judgement, but given the fact that the films in question were nowhere near comedies, there really is no explanation and definitely no excuse for such asinine story lines.

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