Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ask Flower Power
Dear Flower Power,
I need advice. I'm not happy with my boyfriend. He's really laid back and seems like he doesn't care about our relationship. It's almost like he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, he wants me as a stand in until something better comes along. I offered to take him to a nice restaurant for his birthday and jokingly suggested we go to a strip joint where the buffet is free. Then when I told him that he didn't seem to be too into the idea of dinner so I would just take him for a couple of drinks instead, he was fine with it. I was trying to do something nice and he didn't even care. I have a lot of fun with him whenever we're together, but dates on the weekend are not a given even though we've been going out for two months now. I'm getting attached but I'm unhappy with him and I just don't know what to do. Should I step back and give him some time to decide what he wants? I really love hanging out with him and it looks like he does too. I love spending time with him but then after the weekend he just spends time with his friends and doesn't call me for days afterward. This hurts my feelings and I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't want to be the hag that's always nagging and wanting to "talk" about our relationship. I'm unhappy partly because I miss him and partly because I feel like I'm the only one who cares about us.
I welcome any advice, Your Friend
I am so picking up what you're putting down. Once I put together 3 menu options for HRH to choose from for his birthday and he told me all he wanted was for me not to spend money. Ouch! I had taken a considerable amount of time and effort putting those ideas together so I was pissed, but I got over it because I'm awesome.
Anyway, back to you. It sounds like you've been unhappy for a while now because you're too high maintenance and he's too low maintenance. He's all about taking it easy and chillaxing, going with the flow and not working too hard on anything, including a relationship, and you're all about effort, hard work and stress. You are at opposite sides of the spectrum and this makes for an unhappy camper.
You can't make him change for you and you shouldn't. I have long been of the opinion that any man who changes for a woman is a fool and a woman who thinks a man has changed for her is an even greater fool. People must change for themselves and because they realize they need it, not because someone wants them to. If they have the added bonus of your support while doing so, great, but it must be something they would do with or without you. If not, then the change will not be permanent and in the end they will resent you and one day the shit will hit the fan and you will be in the firing zone.
Taking this into consideration, it looks like you have a decision to make and it's not an easy one, nor is it one you are not aware of. You must either examine yourself and see if you're the problem here and change - because you want or need to and not just because of him - or you must end things with him. I can understand why you've been stalling on this one, I would too. If you quit now you'll miss him and you'll be unhappy for a while until your situation changes and you find the perfect someone who is dying to give you the attention you need. If you stay in the relationship you will have to adjust to his way of thinking and simma down now, which will also make you unhappy for a while.
The thing is, Friend, by not making a decision you're just turning into a bore. No one wants to be around a whiner. So before driving your friends, boyfriend and dog away, please figure out what you want to do.
I know this all sucks, but most things do. Hang in there and know that we're all cheering for you.