Tuesday, September 15, 2009

From Dave: the TV and I


Something special has happened in my life, and it´s so amazing that I want the whole world to know!

The story begins on a living room couch, big enough for six, but only me, my girlfriend and our dog lying in front of our new 42” LCD, switching through the few dreadful channels the cheapest cable package had to offer.

That might not sound that bad if you like Big Fausto and gay Gugu, but I just can’t, so that left me with the weather channel in Italian.

We had just moved and our financial situation made it impossible to consider paying the overpriced premium packages - which don’t even offer all the channels - so I was practically being forced to start READING!! As you can see things were getting really serious.

The ads on TV were constantly showing the incredible channels that would be available if we were part of the elite one percent of the population that thought it was worth paying for, and I felt more and more like a poor kid standing in front of McDonald’s.

So I just snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was ready to do anything. Life couldn’t be that cruel, so I called up my friend Fred.

Fred is a “where there’s a will there’s a way” kind of guy, so I knew he could help me. When he picked up the phone I immediately broke down in tears telling him how miserable my life was without Fun People TV and all I had was Poor Sad People TV.

There was only one answer I wanted to hear, and like a fat kid at a birthday party, I was gonna get what I wanted. Within minutes we were taking my decoder to the shabby side of town looking for our Poor Sad People TV problem solver.

The farther into the slums we went, the more nervous I got because this place was miles away. It was obvious we were on a black market quest, but the sheer possibility of a better tomorrow made my fears go away, besides - what would Jesus do?

So we finally arrived at a small dirt road in the middle of nowhere, it was dark and there were no street lights so it was difficult to relax.

We stopped in front of an old house and blew the horn a few times.

Someone peeked out the window, shut the curtains, and then opened a crack in the front door. He was obviously nervous about our unexpected visit, but Fred calmly handed the man the decoder and asked if there was any way he could fix it because it was broken and only had crappy channels.

The man, apparently in his fifties, said it was a serious problem, but he could fix it for around $150 dollars. Within minutes I was on my way home, my heart beating fast, decoder in hand, anxiously waiting to see if there was any miraculous change, or if I had just gotten ripped off.

At home I quickly connected the cables, took a deep breath, and turned on my TV. Twelve hours later and two kilos lighter, I found myself sitting in the very same position, my living room covered in a strobe light effect from the uncontrollable frenetic channel changing.

No, it wasn’t a dream. I had more channels than I had ever seen before: 24 hour violence, erotica, sports, sitcoms, Italian, Spanish, French and German weather channels, what more could anyone ask for? I now had a reason to live.

I had finally reached my bliss when my girlfriend tells me that she's fed up with me because I’m watching TV all day and not giving her enough attention.

She gave me an ultimatum. I had to choose between her and my TV channels.

My dog and I watch TV all weekend nowadays, and damn, I have a lot of channels!

1 comment:

someone said...

Whahahahahahaha!! 'Poor Sad People TV' indeed! What kind of ridiculous tv package has the weather channel in Italian???

Ahahaha, hey, reading is a good thing... better than Gugu anyways :D