Child, Please

This is the perfect "Child, please" face

Our Presidential elections are coming up and while normally this would be a momentous and joyous occasion, in this particular instance, this particular year, we are officially optionless. I would like to say that the political parties of my beloved homeland know what they're doing, make intelligent decisions, and are composed of the most extraordinary minds in the country - but sadly this is not the case.

Our options for President of the Republic at present are: a bumbling fool of an idiot and a terrorist/thief/liar - Serra and Dilma.

The bitter truth is that the political parties of Brazil are a collection of mishmash losers, a hodgepodge of grumpy old men with either nothing better to do killing time between one thing and another, bouncing about from party to party with no loyalty or conviction of their own, or more likely - and I'm not making this up - fleeing from the law. There is a law here that states that if you run for a position in the government you cannot be indicted. So naturally, hoards of fools and idiots cling to whatever they can find, any party that will let them in - and parties are not choosy - to ward off the law, stall and keep the dogs at bay for as long and stupidly possible.

Unfortunately there is no law against stupidity in government, so the honored seats of our Senate and nearly every seat in government is occupied by the most mind-numbingly stupid people Brazil has had the misfortune to breed. There should be a list of mandatory qualities candidates and persons in government must have including, but not limited to:

• The minimum IQ needed to successfully fulfill their duties in office
• Must have the moral qualities of a productive and educated human being
• Is expected to function properly in public and be socially adept
  
• Must not have a criminal record of any kind, and/or audio/video recordings of blatant corruption, any and all illegal and illicit activities regardless of whether they have been charged and/or convicted of the crimes
  
• Must not be a thief, liar, terrorist or bitch
• Must not own castles and monuments or any type of grotesque displays of disrespect to the taxpayer's blood, sweat and tears
  
• Must be admired by at least one intelligent person
  

It seems the list could go on and on, doesn't it? But the fact of the matter is that once in government they should uphold all of the aforementioned and if found guilty of any of the above, should be held accountable and in certain true, and not at all made up cases (like the castles/monuments/terrorist etc), possibly drawn and quartered. And let us not forget, if their only accomplishment during their term is to sit around and come up with ridiculous new laws that do not benefit the country as a whole, but in reality benefit themselves as thieves, hypocrites and liars, then they should be immediately removed and another should be put in their place.

That being said, I may not be so rash as to ask for asylum in another country as was suggested recently by a columnist in the most successful newspaper in the country, but it does really make you wonder if this is all a sick, sick joke someone's playing on us while they bust a gut laughing so hard.

Is it really possible that there is no one, not one good man or woman in this whole country that is qualified for the job and is willing to do it?

In the words of the dork on The League - best show ever - quoting Chad Ochocinco, "Child, please" - watch here.

Deep Thoughts: Evolution

As I lay on the waxing table being horrifically tortured by a she-devil named Fabiana I was trying to decide what was worse: the excrutiating pain or my mortification at the humiliating position I was in (I'll let your imagination take that one for a spin) - for a long, long (what seemed like endless days) period of time. I tried desperately to go to my happy place, but it just wasn't working. This is when I began to ask myself the serious questions, the existential ones, the ones that change your life forever.

Could Evolution be the great truth and Creation the fib?

Christians, bear with me a while before blocking my blog from your reading list.

The question I asked myself was: why would a God, a deity of any kind, purposely create (in His own likeness, I might add) a being that is delicate, beautiful, graceful and the representation of all that is pure and wonderful in the world - the female - why would God create this creature and then at the very end say, "There's something missing....hmmm...I know! I'll put hair - everywhere!" The whole thing screams diabolical joke to me, and I have a few guesses about who was involved -- Satan, perhaps?

I try to understand the cockamimi poo they feed us about how body hair is there for protection, puh-lease - does anyone really believe that? Women the world over are ripping out body hair from the roots, tweezing, plucking, pouring molten lava all over themselves in a desperate attempt to rid themselves of this "much needed" protection. We live our lives perfectly protected without it, thank you. Which brings me back to my original question - we don't need it, we don't want it, it's yuck - so why is it there?

Personally I think it makes much more sense that cosmic randomness, big bang caca, monkey ancestor baloney, is the cause of all this hooey. It's really the only logical explanation and makes the degrading monthly visits almost endurable. It's a mistake. No one meant for this to happen. You're bleeding from your hair folicles because the universe is wack - not because someone put it there on purpose. You see? Do you feel better now? - Not really.

Deep Thoughts: A really bad idea

Yesterday I went to a meeting all the way on the other side of town. It was a pretty official meeting with partners from the company I work for, some other business men, a rep from an international consulting firm and little ol' me. The topic: million dollar investments. I was interpreting back and forth for hours. At one point I actually felt my brain start to heat up. Like those old cars that used to run out of water and the carborator (I think) would overheat and smoke up on the side of the road. My brain felt like that. Anyway, that's not what I really wanted to tell you. The hotel we went to was in a touristic/quaint part of town with a spectacular view of the whole city of Rio. The room we were meeting in however, was not - spectacular, that is. The AC refused to do its thing, and the chairs were almost comfortable, but not quite. This is the interesting bit: the bathroom didn't have a door. You read it right. No door. It wasn't under repair or anything like that, there is no door on any of the bathrooms in any of the bedrooms. It's just not the way they roll. There is a thin threaded curtain that does not offer any privacy at all, all it does is add a bit of color.

Someone at the meeting said it was very bohemian. I guess you can say that, if bohemians like to watch each other use the toilet. To say the least, not the ideal place for a meeting, or a honeymoon for that matter. There is nothing in the civilized world that could ever compell me to stay there. Can you imagine the poor suckers who travel all the way here from countries with bathroom doors and have no idea what's going on before they land in this "bohemian paradise"? This is something that would need to be disclosed way in advance, maybe in bold red letters on their brochure or website.

I can just imagine what the hotel design planning meeting was like: a bunch of old hippies passing around the "peace pipe", sitting cross legged on the floor, clothing optional, lots of beards, braids and super long untrimmed hair, incense burning in the corner for good measure, macrobiotic food buffet - mostly raw foods, no silverware - feel the food in your hands, patchouli oil permeating the air mixing with the "peace pipe", a "love guru" in the corner plucking away on his sitar, eyes closed in meditation....and then someone comes up with a brilliant idea for the hotel design. "Let's paint the fountain and the pool in blood red, remove the doors from the bathrooms and just put some braided colored thread in its place, and let's skimp on AC maintence. Let nature control room temperature, not artificial machines". Then another lost soul pulls away from his wheat grass and tofu smoothie just long enough to add, "Great idea! Why put a bathroom door, when you could put this beautiful braided thread?"

This is how really bad ideas are born.

Deep Thoughts: Obvious Questions

As you can see, picture is from Socialite Life, and that's the hot neighbor I'm talking about.

The other day I was watching a show - don't remember which - and the girl said something really obvious like, "You're going golfing?", because she saw him put his golf clubs in the trunk of his car. He turned to her and said, "You're holding your purse. Are we playing a game where we point out obvious things about eachother?". I always wanted to have the courage to say that, but I always thought it was too mean. Hearing the guy say it, it didn't sound mean, it sounded right. It really, really bugs me when people ask obvious questions. Drives me crazy. For example:

I'm in the kitchen with a knife in my hand cutting meat and someone will walk in and say, "Are you making meat for lunch?"

I've got my "going out" clothes on, heels, purse, sunglasses and a full face of make-up and someone will ask, "Are you going out?"

I don't have to keep going, but you get the picture. I know that in most cases people are just being friendly - in their own annoying way - but it's really frustrating. I have to literally bite my tongue to keep from saying something sarcastic like, "No, I'm not making meat, I'm making shrimp, it just looks like meat because your eyes are stupid", or something like that. I have to confess that I'm not always as nice as I should be and sometimes I just can't help it and I say stuff anyway, but really is it any worse than the fool who's asking me super obvious things that don't need an answer at all? For the most part, I'm not talking about people I barely know and are just trying to make small talk. I'm talking about people I know well, people who should know better.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that because watching that guy on TV say those things with such freedom and zero fear of being mean was really liberating. I just remembered where I saw this, on Cougar Town with Courtney Cox and that guy who's hot but we don't know his name.

Easter: pagans, chocolate, heathen rituals and family fun

Easter. It's creeping up on us like an elephant in heels. Everywhere you look you're bombarded with Easter ads for chocolate, chocolate eggs, bunnies, and more chocolate. It's just très bizarre. How did it get so mixed up? There are sections in the supermarket that you can't even walk through because there are so many Easter eggs. They're not cheap either. No, they're using this holiday to make as much money as possible and they're using the suckers who buy into this crap to do it.


I will not be one of the suckers.

I do love chocolate though, so I'll use this holiday as an excuse to make truffles. It's a family favorite and it's affordable when you make it yourself. Our Easter celebration will be simple. We'll have a family lunch, which is always nice. We'll sit around and play cards or some game afterwards and we'll all laugh a lot and have tons of fun.

Last year and the year before that we did the whole "Jesus of Nazareth" bit with the kids. We showed them "The 10 Commandments" and other movies to explain to them what the Jews celebrate, and what the Christians celebrate. Then we feed them chocolate to show them what everyone else celebrates.


We can thank the Germans for all the chocolate over indulgence, by the way. They're the ones who started it all and it spread like wildfire because everyone's always looking for an excuse to eat more chocolate.


I'll always be surprised at all the pagan rituals Christians buy into. Over the years they get watered down and turn into something simple and innocent like a little old man bringing gifts to good children, or a bunny bringing colored eggs to good children, but way down in there they all come from some form of non-Christian ritual, celebration or folklore. While to some Easter is spring and a time to worship and celebrate the gods of fertility and fornicate in the open fields, to others it's a simple and happy time to overspend on something as simple as chocolate and to go crazy over pastel colors.


I'm not sure the devout have got it right either. I mean, there are Catholics who crucify themselves during this time of year in the hopes of gaining either forgivess or healing for a family member. That's just not right. I remember seeing pictures of this horrific and greusome tradition in the Phillipines when I was a child and I just remember feeling sick. It was very heathen and super, super creepy.

I'm not sure I'm going about this whole Easter business correctly and I have a sneaky suspicion that the Jews are the ones who've got it right. Everything they eat is symbolic and a reminder of what they went through and what they escaped. The songs they sing and the entire celebration is very specific and no matter how many thousands of years have gone by since the first Easter, it hasn't been adulterated and is still exactly the same.

In conclusion, my children are informed and know exactly what's hapenning. They are not crazy freaks who will one day crucify themselves, nor will they be spending millions on Easter eggs for everyone they know. They will not be eating bitter herbs either, but all in all, I think they will look at this holiday as a time to share good times with those they love and keep in mind that the zealot Christians, and the Jews are all doing their thing. They will remember without fanatacism what this day means and acknowlege that major things happened that should be respected by everyone.


I have a very fond memory though of when I was about 5 yrs old and we lived in this house in Curitiba. We sat around with Fajah (our Dad is an artist/painter) and dyed boiled eggs, painted hollow ones, and made baskets. The next morning we woke up at the crack of dawn to search the house for our Easter baskets. They didn't have any chocolate in them because my parents were macrobiotics, but they did have beautiful colored eggs and I think some honey candy too. Man! Those were good times! Maybe I should paint some eggs with mon enfants this year in honor of a very good Easter I remember having when I was 5. I totally painted eggs with my friends in later years, but that's the Easter I remember best.

Eh.

I don't know what it is. I swear I have no idea at all. I feel totally pleh. Not sure if that's a word, but that's how I feel. I make a good meal, a great meal even, and there is a fleeting - fleeting like 3 seconds - feeling of accomplishment and then it's gone.

I've been doing good work, getting things done and making it happen, but still, pleh. People rely on me to help them and work things out, I've been doing it as well as a number of other things. I'm multitasking like it's nobody's business, but I'm totally bored with it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't, really. It isn't that I'm sad or depressed or anything of the sort, it's so much worse than that - I'm indifferent. Has that ever happened to you?


I'm trying to think of something to do to break me out of my ennui and I'm more or less drawing a blank. At first I thought I just needed to read a really good book, but then I remembered that I am reading a really good book, Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. It's fun, intelligent and totally page turning, but I'm such a turnip right now that even a spectacular bestseller that's being made into a movie starring Tom Hanks and Ewan McGregor among others, isn't snapping me out of it.

The weather has cooled and is now a bearable hot. I should be running through the fields like Brother Sun and Sister Moon. Eh. I should be hugging strangers in the streets and dancing in the rain, but I'm not, nor will I. I should be dressing up like Mother Nature and sing "The Lusty Month of May", but that's not happening any time soon. I should be skipping through the supermarket laughing when I pick up a loaf of bread, not likely. I should be should be wearing summer dresses and twirling like a twirling dervish, but I'm positive I won't. I should be laughing, a lot, like a crazy giggling teenager, but Heaven help us all if I do.


I guess what I have to realize is that we all go through a slump. Not necessarily a serious slump, just a bum slump and we just have to grin and bear it until it passes. I'll just keep repeating the mantra, "This too shall pass" until it happens. I just hope people can put up with me that long. And by people, of course I mean the crowds of people always in and out of my house.

Here's a quote for the day, so I can say I didn't leave you with absolutely nothing but a really boring post:

"Anything too stupid to be said is sung". Voltaire

That's funny.

A Good Plan B

To say that I've been busy lately would be an understatement. I know I'm not busy the way you're busy, but I'm plenty busy. That is of course my reason (not excuse) for not posting this week until today.

It looks like we'll be moving. We've been living in the same place for nearly 6 yrs and have grown very accustomed to a cozy life. The kids fall out of bed a couple of minutes before class and roll into school without breaking a sweat. Sweet. Fukui-san can come home several times a day just to get on mine and Angie's nerves. Fantastic. Angie can throw a stone from our veranda and hit her university professor on the head. Nice.

We've gotten used to a very comfortable style of living, not extravagant mind you, and not with a lot of physical things, but with convenience. A DVD club right in front of our house, supermarket, mall, restaurants, bars, hoodlums, loud rowdy crowds, blaring music of all kinds (mostly bad), banks, wow - we really have everything at the tips of our long-overdue-for-a-manicure fingers.

If I were to write down all the things I like about where we live the list could go on and on, so I won't. But the truth is that we have been blessed with 6 yrs of perfect location living, but that phase of our lives ends now and we begin a new one.

The reason we're moving is simple, money. We can save a significant amount of money off our rent, plus gain one extra room simply by moving to another condominium 10 minutes away. We will still have many things nearby so that should make the transition period easier. For example, there is a mall. It's not a nice mall by any standard, but it's a mall nontheless and perhaps I can find a salon there and finally get that manicure I've been needing. There's a supermarket. Not a nice supermarket no matter how you wish to describe it, but a supermarket it is. There are no bars and hang out areas nearby (not such a bad thing considering the noise), but I did see some guys sitting by the side of the road sipping bears after their long work day, so, I guess if we really want we could always join them.

In the end, the place we're getting is good, clean, safe, considerably cheaper, and will do very nicely. I've got a good feeling about this decision to move, change, go somewhere else and make it work there. This is not a step backward, I really believe this is a solid step in the right direction for a better life for our (we wish it were) little family.

As James Yorke once said, "The most successful people are those who are good at plan B".



That was Tracy Chapman singing Bob Dylan's The Times They are a-Changin'. Which version do you like better?

Life as It Is

I don't know why people say, "You need a good dose of reality" like it's a good thing. I hate reality. Reality sucks, blows, bites. Big time. If reality were an ant I would squish it without thinking twice. I'm not quite sure what constitutes a "good dose of reality" or a reasonable dose, for that matter. I agree that walking around in metal armor and singing "Golden Helmet of Mambrino" may not be in one's best interest - if one doesn't want to get beat up - but neither is living too seriously in the now.

The news is full of reality which frankly I don't care much for. People give you a "good dose of reality" all the time whether they're aware of it or not. We are bombarded with reality every day of our lives and we have no choice in the matter. The question I want answered is, are people who are seriously in the now happy?

I've seen some freaky stuff in the news this past week and I'm quite certain I could've gone a whole lifetime not knowing and been just fine. I tend to steer clear of the heavy stuff so I concentrate on the highlights, but as luck would have it, these were the highlights. There are some situations that are shaking our nation and we're expected to take sides and decide how we feel about it. What if we don't want to admit to ourselves that that kind of evil exists at all? What if we want to forget that not only are the normal evil people evil, but that people who are supposed to uphold moral standards and do the right thing are also evil? Super evil.

I'm of course referring to the case where the Catholic Church excommunicated some doctors and a mother because they were trying to save the life of a 9yr old who had to get an abortion. (Don't read the story unless you're prepared to be disillusioned with the Catholic Church, again.) As far as I'm concerned they're all better off not being part of the Catholic Church anymore. These days all they do is confirm to everyone how dated, pagan and positively evil they are.

Cases like this one and others make you realize that perhaps the loonies have got it right. They live in their own reality and choose what they want to know. Ignorance is bliss, my friend.

I'll never forget that part in the movie "Don Quixote de la Mancha" where he's talking to another inmate who asks him about the creation of this fictional character that lives in his own reality and whether it's healthy to be that way or just insanity. He goes on to describe all the "reality" he's seen and then closes the whole bit by saying, " Too much sanity may be madness, and maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be".

I've decided to add this clip because it's a classic case of "I see what I want to". He takes a very yucky table rag and puts it on his head because he thinks it's gossamer (or something like that), and then takes a shaving basin, which to him is the golden helmet, and places it on to of the filthy germ crusted rag on his head. (I think I just mini vomited)

Wine, Pneumonia and Death

I have a friend who's got walking pneumonia. In itself this wouldn't be a big woopty-doo except that this is the second time she's had it in the last couple of months. Funny thing is, she's usually pretty faithful to go and get checked up and follow doctor's orders and whatnot. This time she's in bed after promising the doctors that she would stay there until she got better. She ignored them the first time, it seems she's ignoring them again this time, so I'm thinking pretty soon she'll be at death's door with a cigarette in one hand and a glass on wine in the other wondering where she went wrong.

This got me thinking, how many people do you know who are not only health concious, but that get regular check ups and follow what the doctor says? In general, almost everyone I know is a cheater when it comes to that, myself included. I don't know if it was my parent's hippie lifestyle and belief in all things natural and spiritual to heal, or their aversion to doctors that has given me an indifferent attitude when it comes to health issues.

I'm not saying that I don't make my kids get checked and that I ignore serious symptoms, but the truth is that my family is pretty healthy - fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. As time goes by we're supposed to become more and more strict about health care and doctors and vitamins and whatnot, but really, who has the time for all of that?

Time or no, I know I've got to make some changes, see a couple of doctors, run a couple of tests and get things in order. I don't want to wait until I'm knocking on Heaven's door to finally go and get checked up (which was my original plan, actually).

I guess if nothing else my friend's irresponsibility and complete disregard for the precious gift of life has made me see that that's not the road I want to take. Riding shotgun with the Grim Reaper has never been my idea of fun. And while all the "doctor" rubbish doesn't sound like a capital idea to me, I'll play along and make nice so that when I finally see that light that shines so brightly but doesn't hurt my eyes, I can say with all certainty that it's not because I failed to see the doctor.

I leave you with a funny doctor/patient scene from Princess Bride where Billy Crystal works his creepy magic on Cary Elwes to revive him from the dead. I know it has little or nothing to do with this post, but there's a sort of doctor there, and there is some work done, so...

Stupid Cupid

"Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight."

You know who said that? Marilyn French. She's absolutely right, you know? I of course am not speaking of myself, but I have a couple of friends who have succumbed to this form of lunacy and have completely lost themselves, and it won't surprise you to hear, have made complete asses of themselves.

I'll let you be the judge of whether this is ridiculous or not. Is it normal for a guy to give a teddy bear to his paramour and - wait for it - name it? Is it normal for him to invent names for their different kinds of kisses? How about rhyming? E-mailing/calling 5 times a day? Doing and saying strange things I won't mention here? Giving her a carnivorous plant and then checking up on it throughout the day and taking it bugs to feed it? Baby talk (they do it back and forth to eachother - possibly the worst one)? Naming members together?

This is all crazy behavior if you ask me and indicative of a much deeper, crueler reality - he's in love. Is that okay? I mean, does one need to turn into a fopping idiot just because one's in love? Is there any way one can retain one's dignity and still claim to be in love?

I think it will surprise you to know that my friend - after all her "special" boyfriend did and does for her - still doesn't think he's showing enough affection, attention or love. She's even taken to weeping in the bathroom during her lunch break at work. Say what? Are you friggin' kidding me?

First of all, if someone was acting the way he's acting about me, I would be concerned not enamored. Secondly, did she not say that he was rhyming and naming bears for her? What more could she possibly want? That he write out a poem in his own blood? Because he'll do that. It's not that far off, and once you're on that demented train ride from hell it's all downhill from there. Would that be romantic enough for her or does she need to get a restraining order against him in order to call it true love?

Any notions I had of what I thought was unreasonable, inappropriate, insane, queso loco, and "out there" have gone flying out the window. This relationship falls into a completely new category of weird and I have to say, I'm a little worried. I like my friend, a lot. But this - this is just creepy, icky, ewy, and yucky.

After hearing about this stuff and feeling awkward (aka suicide inducing nausea) about it, I have come to the conclusion that the whole thing is a bad sandwich and must go. Am I the only one who thinks this? Just so you know, the really iffy stuff I left out because I didn't want to write inappropriate stuff in my blog. Suffice it to say that the stuff I left out is - EWWWW! Oh, did I mention he rhymes and names bears? The boy needs help and the fool (my very silly friend) needs to run and see her therapist pronto. I'm convinced it does not need to be this way. I can think of several people I know who have handled being in love quite differently.

Let this be a lesson to all you sick love birds out there, simmer down now. I'm convinced no good can come of the above situation and I fear from my sweet friend's sanity.

Happy Valentine's Day - on the 14th, of course!

Know When to Hold'em, Know When to Fold'em

One of my sisters is currently going through a painful breakup. Although she believes it was the correct thing to do, it still hurts. You see, although I believe that for the most part her relationship was not a healthy one, I also believe that she was very happy for a time. The relationship took a turn for the worse at one point and it just went downhill from there. No one put an end to it until it got out of hand and people got hurt.

This got me thinking about the relationships my sisters have. Bear with me here and see what you think:

How do you know when it's time to call it quits? We don't want to give up on it too soon, but it is equally as important to know when it's time to walk away. The idea is, if it becomes toxic, one sided, or wrong in any way, that that is when the relationship must be re-evaluated and a mature decision must be made. What happens if this does not happen is that the people involved end up screaming at each other for whatever is bothering them at the moment and calling it quits in a way that leaves a very bad taste in your mouth.

Breakups, no matter what the apparent reason, are indicative of a much greater problem and unresolved issue. Learning to love someone regardless of their faults is one thing, but making yourself miserable in order to stay with a person who is not right for you is another thing altogether. You may think it's love, but to love another person properly you must learn to love yourself properly. And staying with a person who humiliates, degrades and purposely hurts you is not love, it's Stockholm Syndrome, and the sooner that is understood the better for everyone involved.

This does not mean that the relationship was always bad. My sister had a lot of fun with her man for a good amount of time. They would go to the beach and do all sorts of cool things together and you could tell it was a blast for both of them. The issue came when the honeymoon for one of them was over and outside contaminants came into play and destroyed what was otherwise a perfectly pleasant union.

In her case, although the breakup is more painful than maybe it should be, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that it was good for a time, it was beautiful, it was fun and it was a blast. Now it's over. 'Ce la vie. We move on, we find another love, or fling, or whatever it is that you want, until it is time to make a permanent commitment to the right person. There is no shame in walking away. In fact, I quite admire people who know what they want and will stand up for that even if they know that in doing so they will cause significant pain to themselves and even perhaps to the person they think (or know) they love.

We cannot throw the baby out with the bathwater, as is the common practice when breaking up. This is the ultimate in immaturity and only makes it easier for the other person to get over you. At this junction her ex is acting in textbook fashion of how not to handle things. He's acting like a ridiculous male chauvinist pig, totally unreasonable, immature and infantile. While my sister can sit around and cry and lick her wounds at his most recent demented phone call or message - if she wants to - if I were her I would thank my lucky stars that I got out of it when I could and dodged that 6ft bullet.

I don't think it would be right of me to say that he represents the whole male species, but it has been my experience that men take it the worst and make real fool of themselves acting like ignorant beasts or stupid babies and overall make total asses of themselves. I say this not because I want to poo-poo los machos, but so that my sisters can understand that when they call in the middle of the night to scream obscenities, it's okay to hang up.

I'll leave you with a piece of country music wisdom by Kenny Rogers:

You gotta know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em
Know when to walk away, know when to run
You never count your money when you're sitting at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Deep Thoughts: Cake

I believe this cliche quote to be one of the truest in the world: you can't have your cake and eat it too. I believe I have gone through most of my life thinking I could have both. Thinking this way makes you believe that either the universe is working against you and that life is so unfair, or it makes you think that you are somehow out of sync somewhere and that you're the problem. While that may be the case most of the time, sometimes no one (not even the universe) is to blame and it's just a basic case of the cake. No biggy. No need to get one's panties in a bunch. Just roll with it. There is a time for everything, and right now I just have to accept that there is little I can personally do to change some things and I need to the grace to just roll with it. I also need the grace to know what I need to change and run after it like a vampire after its prey - but that's neither here nor there.

In light of this epiphany, I've decided to make a wish list for the new year. It may not be the most sophisticated, most mature or even the most sensible list, but it's mine and I'm doing it if for no other reason, so that I can see what progress I'll make throughout the year. I realize that in getting some of the things from my list I'm opening the door for others to fall out, but I'm going to tempt fate anyway and do it. I'll start with things I did last year that I think are worthy of mention:

1. I traveled and got to meet a side of my family I didn't know. I was welcomed as a long lost family member and it felt like we had all known each other our entire lives. It was the highlight of the last like, decade.
   
2. I got legally married. This is something I had been putting off forever because I didn't care enough about the paperwork to go through the trouble. Looking back, I'm really glad I did it.
   
3. I got my Kitchen Aid stand mixer. You have no idea how long I've wanted one of these. It's been my dream for so long and now it's sitting on my kitchen counter. It has made my life so much easier and I'm forever grateful I bought it.
   
4. We got some much needed furniture this year, and I'm pretty happy about that. See point 10 of the list below.
   

And now for the wish list:

1. To get my driver's license. I need to start driving. It's like the marriage certificate, I just have to buckle down and do it.
   
2. Get the kids papers in order. They need some IDs, passports and consulate docs. Not more than we can handle, but a hassle nontheless.
   
3. Figure out how to make our company more lucrative. We need to break out of the rut we're in and do something spectacular, just don't know how to go about it yet, but I feel it's just around the corner somehow.
   
4. Read all the books on my reading list for this year. I always start off fine and then other books come into the picture and it throws everything off balance.
   
5. Learn to manage my time better.
   
6. Make significant progress at work. I want to wow myself and my bosses.
   
7. I want my kids to have a really good school year right from the start. I need for them to buckle down and study hard, get good grades and really take advantage of the excellent school they go to.
   
8. To read all the books with the kids on their reading list. Make a reading list with the kids.
   
9. Go to the doctor and find out what's happening with me and my health, take care of it and stop messing around.
   
10. Get rid of the ugly orange couch that's throwing off the whole symmetry of the living room, and get the home things we need (appliances etc).

Well, that's that. There are of course other things that I think would qualify for the first list, but this post is already long enough without me adding things like: my new face cream, finding my perfect gloss, etc.

Deep Thoughts: Behold the Face of Evil

I woke up this morning, made my coffee and sat down to read the headlines. Thursday and Friday are newspaper days for me (I don't even glance in its direction during the week). Imagine my shock when I saw that the Spawn of Satan now wants another R$80 million in order to finish up the mammoth construction representing all the evil, corruption, selfishness, pride and iniquity in our fair city, the Cidade da Musica. It seems like now "someone" will be looking into the details of how the already R$518 million were spent - but at this point, who's counting? I'll tell you who - I am!

Good God, man! How can you justify this kind of extravagance during a time of crisis and in a developing country? How can you justify this expenditure when our school system is sadly lacking, our streets are in a deplorable state, our hospitals are in desperate need and most importantly, no one cares a button about whether we have a Cidade da Musica here or not, especially when taking into consideration the astronomical cost involved in making it, not the mention the maintenance.

Cesar and his minions tried to throw an inauguration ceremony there last night but the Fire Department declared that it was a hazard and needed some additions made before anyone could celebrate there. Cesar Maia called it "Murphy's Law". I call it divine intervention.

Did it ever occur to him that perhaps God does not want to reward evildoing? That moving to the dark side may have earned him some demerits as far as the "universe" is concerned? I wouldn't be surprised if hellfire, damnation, meteors, locusts, plague and lightning befall that cursed place. Beware of the Cidade da Musica people, because pissing off the "higher powers" has proven to be an issue in the past and there's a historic precedence for destruction as a punishment. I hope to God nothing transpires that jeopardizes the health of the innocent singers and performers there, or even worse - the audience. Pride cometh before a fall and you know I want to be far, far away when the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan, and you'd be wise to do the same.

Shame on you, Cesar Maia and posse! May you reap what you sow a thousand times over. May you live in everlasting shame and contempt. May everything you touch turn to dust, and may you be removed from public office and never be trusted again. Shame, shame, shame on you! You know you're getting coal in your stocking this year! Watch out fool, Santa is coming to town - and he's not happy!

Deep Thoughts: How To Get Your Christmas Mojo On

How Christmas-y are you feeling right now? For real. To be honest, I’m feeling pretty Christmas-y because of a few things I’ve done in the past couple of days. For example: I went to the mouth of hell (Saara) to buy the Christmas decorations, I’ve started listening to Christmas music and decorated the tree.

It’s the little things, really, that make Christmas come alive. It helps to bake cookies with the kids, or by yourself. Just don’t eat them all on your own, spread the joy, share the love. Look for movies that impart the principles and joys of this celebration. Listening to Christmas music is a great way to lift one’s spirits and help bring on the Christmas mojo.

In general it’s recommended to live in a peaceful state and cultivate an environment of love, giving, peace, joy, and happiness, especially during this time of year. If you’re looking for a home or family that represents this kind of Christmas spirit, don’t visit my house. I know I can talk the big talk, but when it comes down to it, we’re a loud, screaming bunch of heathens. But, we do what we can and one can only do so much, but I do make an effort.

During this season I take the following measures to ensure that our home is as PH as possible: I try to be very Stepford, my sister tries to tell me when I’m losing my cool, instead of screaming like a psycho I scream like a lunatic (which everyone knows is much better than a psycho), I try to pretend to like people I don’t (the hardest one of all). In order to do this I use underlying sarcasm instead of straight up, in-your-face sarcasm, which I’ve been told I do well and I think it’s a little better especially during the holiday season. That way if people want to understand it, they can, if not, they can take what I said at face value and everyone’s happy.

Another thing I do which I think helps a lot is I channel people out. If I don’t like the energy coming from one person or another I just don’t give them any air time, so to speak. They can say what they want, I’ll nod my head and acknowledge their presence (or not), but then I’ll just do whatever the hell I want. This strategy has proven extremely successful throughout the years. I would not be the same person today were it not for this method of keeping a peace barrier around me to shield me from Grinches who want to humbug everyone and everything, from the messy people who want to make my house a “no peace zone”, from the looters and leeches who want to take but not give, and last but not least children who think that fighting is synonymous with existing (they are so at that annoying faze).

The idea with tuning people out is a coping mechanism used to channel out negativity. Like Charlie Brown with his teacher, she would speak but all he ever heard was, “Wah wah, wah wah wah wah, wah wah”. You can see someone’s lips moving, but you don’t have to hear anything other than “Yada, yada, yada”. You see, there will always be some Grinch or Scrooge in your life, but you have a choice as to whether you want to listen to them or not. And I choose not.

When using the tuning out method, the way to create a peace barrier is to use your soothing words, whatever they may be, like: Woosah, Goosefrabah, Kumbaya, Serenity Now…. And the list goes on. You can create new ones like: Black Label, Cosmopolitan, Mojito, Caipirinha… Those are good soothing words. You see, I just threw you some precious jewels for to use during the holidays that will help you keep it together and most importantly, get your Christmas mojo on!

If you have a trick or two up your sleeve, please do share with the rest of us.

Deep Thoughts: Allegorical Interpretation

It never ceases to amaze me how incompetent people can be, or maybe they’re just lazy, I don’t know. I know what to expect from our public school system, and I know what I can expect from individuals, but I am shocked to find out what our private school curriculum is like. I know it shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, considering my kids have been going to school for a while now and I’m not new to this, but it does. I’ve come to expect something from them that I’m not sure they can deliver. The reason I’ve come to expect something from them is simple, really; it’s because I pay an arm and a leg every month to ensure that they get the best possible education I can afford. It stands to reason that by the standard I’m getting, I apparently can’t afford a decent education for my babies, but that’s where I have to point out that if at the prices I’m paying if I can’t get a good, in fact, very good education for them, then maybe there’s something wrong with the schools and not with me.

I don’t think they’re inferior in everything, however when it comes to reading comprehension and material, I am sadly disappointed. This all came about last week when I had to go running out to buy a book for my son. I had forgotten to buy it a week earlier and had to run around like a she-demon out of hell looking for it. As it turns out, there is no way to walk in and buy the book. No, that would be too easy and the clever teacher, bless her heart, would be way out of line if she chose something that was in print for the kids to read. This was one of those books that had to be ordered in advance and took days to get to you. In the end I found a place that was able to get it to me in 2 days. I went running with my son in tow and guess what the book was about? I bet you’ll never guess – I know I didn’t. The book was about a broom handle. Don’t bother re-reading that last sentence, you understood it correctly – a broom handle. I suspected there might possibly be a broom handle involved in the story because the book was called, “Memórias de um Cabo de Vassoura”. I was not prepared, however, for a detailed, mind-numbingly boring story about – wait for it – a broom handle.

The teachers and educational authorities in this country want you to believe that the book is open to allegorical interpretation, a method in which the literal meaning of the text is superseded by an interpretation in which each element is understood to signify another. That's all good and well if you're interpreting scripture, but we're talking about 7th grade literature and in my opinion, the most asinine writing and subject matter. Wouldn't interpretation of this kind fall under the category of ridiculous? This is reaching, really reaching. Whatever meaning there is in the story, it is quite clear that the children will take it at face value, for which you can hardly blame them, being children and all, and therefore not corrupted by the pathetic attempts of men looking to sound more intelligent than they are and failing miserably. They will understand that the broom handle is indeed a broom handle, and the dirt on the floor is unquestioningly dirt on the floor.

Where are the good books? The well written ones with exciting stories of the days of yore and adventures under the sea? The stories that keep you coming back for more and not running for the door as once again you're forced to read a book that's silly at best and insulting at most as the writer attempts to outdo his competition by making for even more "allegorical interpretation" in order to justify the fact that he is inept and couldn't for the life of him come up with something more interesting than a broom handle. Where are the books like, "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" or "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"? After looking at the selection available for children in the book store I can only conclude that all the writers were on crack. How else can you justify the flotsam and jetsam written in willy-nilly fashion just floating around for unsuspecting victims to pick up and read?

My question is; if the writer were to objectively look at his work today, clean and sober, would he be proud? Would he know what the hell he was trying to say? I can wholeheartedly say that no, no he would not. Furthermore, would he recommend it as educational reading for his child? I think not. You see, it's one thing to write this drivel and scoop it on to the masses as recreational reading, but it's a whole 'nother kettle of fish to pass it off as mandatory reading for 7th graders.

I'm sick and tired of stupid literature being ladled out to the highly susceptible minds of our young ones under the guise of artsy-fartsy psycho-babble. I for one will be taking it up with my children's school, although I am not deluded enough to believe that something will actually come of it. Never fear, dear readers, for the school's lack of interest in exposing the children to a world of real intelligence and wit will result in many cozy afternoons on the couch with the babies, reading, drinking tea, eating cookies and not interpreting anything at all.

As someone once said:

“It is not enough to simply teach children to read; we have to give them something worth reading. Something that will stretch their imaginations…”

-Katherine Patterson

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read.”

-Mark Twain

“Reading gives us some place to go when we have to stay where we are.”

-Mason Cooley

“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”

-Oscar Wilde

Deep Thoughts: A Moral Issue

I was having tea with a friend of mine and she related to me an incident that took place when she and her friends had gone out for one of those “Sex & the City” nights out on the town. They were having a drink when an acquaintance of a friend of hers said she was breaking up with a guy because he wasn’t rich enough for her. As it turns out, that’s not exactly what she said. She said she was breaking up with him because he pretended to have more money than he actually did, which is completely different. My friend, however, was shocked and horrified. To her, this is the epitome of selfishness and evil and stamps all over her very naive notions of romance and love. This comment impressed her so much in fact, that she went on to relate it to everyone she met, I’m sure with the hope of finding a sympathetic soul who would side with her in thinking that this acquaintance is indeed a Succubus. What’s surprising to me is that she found a lot of hypocritical people to agree with her.

This got me thinking - is it wrong? Is it wrong to consider the financial side of things as well as everything else when entering into a relationship? Is it wrong to be practical in that sense? It is selfishness in its worst possible form? Or is it in fact wise? Wouldn’t it be best to have love and money? To be with someone who has a promising future? Would you marry a loser because you were in love with him? Would you live in the slums and surrender to a life of beans and rice for the sake of true love? Is love enough? Is it in fact love to completely disregard everything else for the sake of what you believe to be true love? And if so, wouldn’t it be important to ask yourself what you love in that person and why you love it when he has no prospects and no future?

Was it evil for Sally (that’s what I’m calling my friend’s acquaintance) to say that she broke up with a poser? Someone who pretends to be something he’s not? Pretending to have more than he has, because to him it’s not the principle of achieving wealth through hard work and considerable effort, but just for show? Is he not the [sic] skum of the earth? Is it not important to first know what you want and who you want, regardless of whether or not it shocks another’s sensibilities and pre-conceived notions of right and wrong? Is it not the worst kind of sacrifice of one’s principles and the greatest character flaw of all to love someone who isn’t worthy of your love and to demand from them what they cannot give, and therefore live out one’s live in misery until circumstance or bravery compel you to break free of an inconvenient situation which is unhealthy and immoral in every sense of the word? Is it not immoral to pretend like money and future don’t matter when choosing a partner? Is it not imperative that the person you choose to give your affections to, and possibly be joined with forever, be the kind of person who can reflect your same goals, aspirations, values and life with? Is it not imperative that this person be someone you can respect?

We have to find someone we can share our lives with, in every sense of the word. Sally did not feel she should be wasting her time on a ridiculous shell of a man who places importance on appearance and who is in essence the personification of vanity. She would rather be with someone who knows who he is and where he wants to go, and she would like to go there with him. Is it so bad that she wants to go to a better place than the one she’s at right now? That she aspires to greater things?

Here is a quote by Ayn Rand taken from an interview she gave Playboy way back in the day:

The only man capable of experiencing a profound romantic love is the man driven by passion for his work -- because love is an expression of self-esteem, of the deepest values in a man's or a woman's character. One falls in love with the person who shares these values. If a man has no clearly defined values, and no moral character, he is not able to appreciate another person. In this respect, I would like to quote from The Fountainhead, in which the hero utters a line that has often been quoted by readers: "To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I.'"

You decide.

image: Gary Cooper and Patricia Neal in the 1949 version of "The Fountainhead"

Halloween is a time for tradition and family, dressing up and generally scarring the frick out of everyone you meet. It’s a time to eat crazy amounts of pumpkin and candy. A time for sugar and spice and everything nice…or is it?

In the search for the ultimate Halloween experience I found myself looking for ways to impart some basic values and the true meaning of Halloween to the little ones. This is where it got tricky. For starters, there are no real values to be passed on, which makes finding meaning about as easy as finding a cold bottle of Coke in the dessert. It’s not really a traditional anything where we live and is considered one the of the many things that are polluting our cultural air as yet another American tradition is thrust upon us by movies and television. They may have a point, I mean, it’s not like our forefathers traveled all the way here by boat with a dream in one hand and a costume in the other in the hopes that one day we too would dress up as the underworld and freak each other out.

The world has resorted to the ridiculous in an attempt to shock as the masses are now calloused to the basic decorations and costumes such as: knife through the head (boring), skin removed and all the muscle, bone and insides showing and hanging out (yawn), Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer and other scary movie outfits (double yawn and super bore). This is the reason for insane Halloween decorations such as the one of Sarah Palin hanging from a noose. I don’t know what anyone else thinks, but it’s a bit harsh, and I don’t even like her.

Passing on something wholesome and worthwhile to the young’uns posed a bit of a challenge, but I’m not one to give up easily so I took a look at the original story of Halloween and believe it or not have found something I can pass on, something I can share with not just my babies but with you as well. Here goes:

The first thing that’s important to understand is that Halloween in itself is a fusion between 3 basic festivals or holidays and the merger of the “old religion” with the "new".

There is the Celtic celebration on the 31^st which signifies the end of the “Season of the Sun” and with it the end of the harvest, and the beginning of the “Season of Darkness”, or the cold winter months. This is all Druids and dances with fires and worship, and your basic harmless pagan rituals.

Next, there is the 1^st of November where the Celtics would parade around in the skins and heads of dead animals for 3 days. This is called Samhain. There’s nothing scary about that if you consider that they probably had to wear the animals to ward off the freezing cold all winter. There’s also nothing vile or truly evil about a bunch of heathens dancing around wearing animals they skinned, except perhaps in some cases the smell. It may sound a bit barbaric, but bear in mind that they were barbarians, so, is it really an issue? I think not.

The Romans of course contributed with Pomona Day which is basically a celebration of nature and food. So far, so good. But then here’s where it gets evil, the Catholics traipsed in with All Saints, All Hallows etc, and inevitably it’s at this stage that instead of just dressing up as animals and wearing food and plants in simple celebration, people started dressing up as demons and devils, go figure.

Don’t get me wrong here, I like eyeball punch and dried blood sandwiches just as much as the next guy, but what I dislike immensely is the corruption of the innocents. To think that a perfectly good celebration for harvest, and plenty, and barbaric dancing has evolved to fools hanging presidential candidates and their running mates in their front yards is just wrong. Not to mention the hoodlums, buffoons, berserkers and bandits who take this celebration as a green light to run amok and wreak havoc on the rest of us.

To sum it all up, I would say that Halloween should be just another excuse to hang out with your family and have fun without being so weird you draw attention from the netherworld and the minions of evil. I guess some folks can celebrate the end of the harvest and beginning of winter, but for me and my family, we will mourn the end of what little winter we had and the beginning of smoldering, sticky, tropical heat. Come to think of it, I don’t think there’s anything about Holloween that I can relate to, so…yeah…I guess that means it’s just another day for me to do exactly what I always do, except maybe I’ll grab one of those dried blood sandwiches – and eye ball punch – you can never have too much eye ball punch.